Monday Funnies

Hello Monday!

Would you believe it is Monday and Rainy outside? Now I can crank up the old jukebox and sing Rainy Days and Mondays by The Carpenters. (How many times do you think I can keep referring to this song before you all want me to shut up?)

I know I've said before I'm not a fan of Mondays because I'm a lazy week starter. But. Today is the beginning of Spring Break! I am looking forward to getting a lot of writing done, sleeping in, foregoing early morning showers, staying up extra late, and goofing around with the kids.

And, hello rain! Just another excuse for me to procrastinate running my weekly errands. Which means, I can hunker down in my cozy basement and write, write, write. *happy dance*

Speaking of writing, here's a funny about writing rules. Enjoy!

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.


Caitlin Vincent said...

I really, really like your new layout. A notebook is highly appropriate for a writer :)

Those writing rules are great, lol. I read them before somewhere and could never seem to find them again. Thanks for posting them.

Have fun with your kiddos and your writing!

Anita said...

Haha! Thanks for the funnies! 34 was my fave. Still cracking up over that one. Enjoy the rain, you lucky!;)

Lydia K said...

I had to stop reading these after a while because I was laughing too hard and in danger of waking up sleeping babies.
Too funny!

cherie said...

Thank you, ladies! I'm glad I could brighten up your Monday. =)

@Caitlin: Yay! Glad u liked my new place.
@Anita: Yeah, love that one too.
@Lydia: Oops, sorry. *whisper* I know how it is with sleeping babies. *wink*

Joyce Alton said...

I couldn't read blogs most of last week so I rushed to look at yours first today. Nice new layout. =)

cherie said...

Hi Joyce! So nice of you to drop by! I've been writing a lot today--2,000 words down and the day's not over yet. ;) I miss hanging out at AQC with you and the gang, but the WIP's a-calling. Hope you're doing great!

Joyce Alton said...

The WIP comes first and foremost. We miss you too but at least you're busy being a writer. That's one of the best reasons.

Huntress said...

It appears we shop at the same store...lol.
How embarrassing, showing up at the dance wearing the same dress.

Love your blog.

cherie said...

Haha! Don't worry, it doesn't bother me ;) It just means we're like-minded and apparently appreciates the same type of fashion. lol! I like your quotations though--I haven't seen those ones yet.

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