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Excerpt from my WIP "Hidden"

This passage is a little creepy. My MC has just survived a near drowning accident when she takes a plunge into the river. As I've mentioned before, she is a teenager diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. It's similar to Schizophrenia, though they are not quite of the same vein. She's been plagued with hallucinations...or so she's been told.

This is from Chapter 6.

******

That night, I dream of the blue water lady.
                I dream of her holding me in her lap, her arms surprisingly warm as she presses my head against her thin chest. Her eyes are blue like mine. We don’t say a word to each other.
                Soon I feel her damp clothes soaking me. Moisture seeps into the pores of my skin. She clings to me, her grip tighter, afraid to let go. Her hair, once black, turns green with mold. Her eyes sink into their sockets. I push away from her but my arms are lifeless. They dangle from my shoulders like marionette limbs lacking strings.
                The blue water lady opens her mouth. An expression of anguish. Of despair. She can’t speak. Her face begins to sag, a melting candle running down to form a shapeless glob. I scream and water gushes into my mouth. Bits and pieces of blue skin flaking away from her diminishing frame. No one can hear me. No one can save me.
                She crumbles until there is nothing left of her. I am alone.
#
                I wake up drenched in cold sweat. My sheets and pillows are damp, almost soaked through. Water trails from my bed, across the floorboards, and all the way to the window. There are wet footprints on the wooden floor.
                 I know now why she came for me. I sit on the edge of my bed and silently weep.
******

12 comments:

Caitlin Vincent said...

That is a little creepy, but in a good way :) You can feel the mood and atmosphere that she's in.

Anita said...

Wow, Cherie! Your writing is soooo beautiful! I love this! I swear, it's like something I would write. :) Wonderful job making the scene come alive through the senses. Looking forward to seeing a lot more of your writing!

Ashley Graham said...

Wow, Cherie. I love this. Ditto what Anita said. I mean, this story is dark, intriguing and descriptive in a very succinct and beautiful way. You've got talent, girl! Can't wait to see more!

cherie said...

Have some chocolate chip cookies, ladies! My treat ;)

You guys just made my day. You and the beautiful sun shining outside. Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

rivercat said...

Very nicely written. I'll be back for more when I get some time. Your blog is really great and I need to read more about writing. Keep up the good work!
:)

Angela said...

I LOVE it! Very beautiful (in a dark and scary way, of course) ;o)

cherie said...

Aw, thanks Angela. And thanks for following my blog! =)

Scott Niven said...

Very nicely written! Favorite Line: "She crumbles until there is nothing left of her. I am alone." How far are you along in this? I see this is from chapter 6.

cherie said...

Hi Scott! Thanks for following my blog. I am currently working on Chapter 8, so not very far along yet. Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. =)

Paul Devine said...

Wow !! That was hauntingly Beautiful, I could feel the scene.....would love to read more

cherie said...

Thanks Paul! Welcome to my haven ;)

Cedric J. Sims said...

One thing that makes me mad about these excerpt posts...I WANT TO READ MORE! I like the present tense approach, and the sensory description.

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